I am not the hole. The hole is what is outside of me.
The conception that was given to me from birth was that I was the hole and can only be perceived as if I am empty space.
Empty Space as I am therefore nothing. I do not exist.
If I am the hole, than I am nothing. The empty space. No material substance. Nothing of me exists that comes in contact with the world in this perception, circumstance and space.
False order of mind; disconnection exists which results in my lack of power within myself and my sexuality. Replaced instead with a space valued only as a place in waiting to be penetrated; occupied – to be used.
Yet I am never occupied. The space is. I am never penetrated. The empty space is.
Understand there is a space between two human beings always but that is denied here. I am a human being; not a hole. The hole, from my view, is not inside me, it is outside me if I count me as all my material substance. The hole is more properly defined as air; empty space. And this empty space is only in existence when I am in a certain position. That is, when I open myself up to allow it to exist inside me. I am NEVER it. To understand that I am not the hole, but the hole is OUTSIDE of me is profound. They told me the hole is inside me. It is a part of me, they said.
Is my mouth perceived as a lifeless hole to be filled with food or used for things outside me? For no purpose of my own body functioning? Is my anus perceived that way? No, it is not. How could I spend a lifetime with this perception of my other body opening? I am not the hole in my mouth anymore than I am the hole in my vagina. I am not the hole in my anus either. Even that phrase, hole, is a misnomer. The vagina is not the hole. The term itself is so obviously full of disrespect and creates an aura of dealing with something non-human. There is no hole when my mouth is closed. There is no hole when my vagina is in it’s natural state. There is no question when we talk of my mouth that the space is occupied by me. It opens for me and is for me. This physically is the same for my vagina yet there is no social consciousness of this. I was not given this accurate information about my vagina. I was told that the hole was for him; for intercourse.
My understanding of sex and all the information I have ever been given has been based in the foundation of what is outside of me. Nothing is known of me; the mouth known as vagina….and it’s purposes for my functioning (beyond purpose for a baby or man). To follow the mouth analogy and comparison further, it is as if we live in a world where all that is known and ever spoken is about the food and the food’s activity in my mouth as if the mouth itself has no active principle, purpose or existence – and there is nothing to discuss of my material organs surrounding the hole. This activity could exist but lies dormant in the lack of consciousness and knowledge and subsequent inaction about me and my body. My whole self concept changes when I understand I am not the hole. I am not the empty space.
I am the skin, the material that surrounds and touches the empty space. I am something and that something is not just inert, inactive material surrounding an empty space waiting to be acted upon by other substances, other organs, other processes. In fact, the space is not empty, but is mostly occupied by me most of the time. Therefore, the rape of me as well as the act of intercourse is not just a man entering me and violating my empty space; penetrating my empty space; using and occupying my empty space uninvited or happily invited. Like forcing food in my mouth; rape chokes me. Intercourse as commonly known and practiced is a violation of my body’s natural functions; natural sexual functions. As it is apparent that putting food in my mouth and using my mouth simply as a receptacle for others would have an horrendous effect on my body functioning so that I would die ultimately, so it is with large groups of women who have been and are sexually dead as a lifetime of literal sexual object with no freedom, no sense of entitlement or rights which is so entrenched in our training and minds we don’t know what we don’t know.
As a severe lack of understanding exists, sex as is commonly known lacks a kind of consciousness about me and my body. As the sexual rape is only the visibly, counted rape so far as our limited social mind perceives, the sexual intercourse as we know it is also quite one-dimensional and is, in part, a rape within a much larger rape. The ultimate rape is the annihilation and usurpation of my existence from the larger collective consciousness ; the banishment of my sexual existence in social sexual thought (followed by actions) – of me as an entity of person as owner, occupant and active principle of my material substances and what I might creatively and infinitely do with them including closing up the empty space and allowing most of my natural functioning to have existence – my way.
This is what is embedded in our unquestioned assumptions about woman and her body. It is what does not exist because what exists is sexual woman created by teachings by man for man. The voice of woman has yet to be spoken here about this. The story has yet to be written. Instead our sexual stories and knowledge embed a taboo and quietness and error about my material substances, like the nothingness of the hole. That there is blindness and in it, in existence of mind and body practice is the concept taken as given that beyond the hole are material substances to be nothing more than virtually, dead walls for the boundaries of the penetration. The dead, inactive, lifeless walls therefore perceived as an extension of nothingness; of no actual existence of their own for their own person and activity. Dead feelingless walls strictly for the purposes of others – babies and men.
Is anyone surprised? How else could a woman born of the sexual ideas of traditionally minded men be perceived as other than that? Her vaginal walls perceived for him and babies alone! On top of it, to have been taught the misperception that the vagina in it’s most natural state is actually an opening is not aligned with a woman’s actual experience of her body. The notion that the vagina in it’s natural state does not have an empty space is not only accurate but, not surprisingly, flies against the understanding that a woman’s natural state of existence, that is, vagina as hole, is to be sexually open and available to men and that the existence is for men.
A woman, not embodying this highly pressured so called “natural” state of existence, has always been seen as unnatural. In truth, a human with a vagina is more than a sexual object available to men and therefore the perception of vagina as a naturally closed space is a new truthful one to embrace that will open up a completely new understanding of a woman’s body and what she may do with it. All of this is a matter of degree in relationship to the larger elements of life within particular circumstances.
In the traditionally inherited mindset, a closed vagina is a hostile one; perhaps a rebellious one and certainly one that is unnatural. Man selfishly perceived and defined the vagina for him and for his use. Time and space traveling of fixed ideas like this one over generations complicates, mutates and distorts accuracy. In other words, ideas about the vagina must be seen accurately within time, space, and circumstance.
The old ideas are so deeply embedded in the mindset, practice and circumstance of a particular male view (mistakenly presented as the universal right one) that this view perceives a woman only through the limited perspective of the user of a woman’s body for selfish purposes. It totally wipes out any comprehension of a woman’s potential sexual freedom. Strictly closing off the infinite potentialities of behavior that might deviate from the traditional agenda; an agenda which is so intertwined with economic accumulation in this ancient thinking that it threatens our social structure and can’ t allow for any possibilities that might disrupt the traditional social order; possibilities that could exist outside of male dominated defined woman and her sexuality, whether religiously, pornographically or scientifically.
It is for no other reason than the freedoms I inherited won by my foremothers – plus my own learning of their struggles and building upon theirs of my own individual struggle with sexual freedom, that I have enough freedom and power in my life to speak and present this view. My mothers could not have spoken so freely about their body and sex nor could they get respect for anything they said. The consequences on my life for speaking boldly today are very pale compared with my foremother’s.
Knowing women’s history is essential to understanding women’s sexuality today.
The Entire Project of this Creative Work titled I am Not A Hole, includes a larger comprehensive essay, dvdart/videoart clips, poems, and prose, drawings, paintings and book art, please contact me if interested in receiving any copies at firstname.lastname@example.org. More of this project will be available as my presence online evolves. Subscribe!